After a draining 14-hour hospital shift filled with bodily fluids and weird patient stories—including one guy claiming his “friend” sat on the remote—I just wanted a hot shower and some half-burnt frozen pizza. But when I got home, I found myself locked out. My keys didn’t fit, and after some muttering and jiggling, I realized something was jammed in the lock. A toothpick. Someone had shoved a toothpick into my door lock. Freezing, tired, and rapidly losing patience, I called my brother Danny. He showed up in a gamer T-shirt and used tweezers to pull it out like he was defusing a bomb. “Someone did this on purpose,” he confirmed. I hoped it was a one-time prank. It wasn’t. The very next day, it happened again. Same thing—another toothpick, same lock. This time, Danny brought a wildlife camera he’d used to catch raccoons and set it up outside the front door. That night, I parked around the corner and waited. At 7:14 p.m., I got an alert from the camera. I checked the footage—and there he was. Josh. My ex. The same Josh I broke up with six months ago after catching him sexting his “work friend” Amber, while pretending he was in therapy. Apparently, his big plan was to sabotage my lock so I’d have to call him for help, and we’d “reconnect.” Instead of calling the cops, I called Connor—an ex with tattoos, muscles, and a history of bad decisions that occasionally included me. We devised a plan. The next evening, I faked leaving for dinner, snuck back in through the back door, and waited inside with Connor, who insisted on wearing my hot pink bathrobe. At 7:11 p.m., right on cue, Josh approached the door, toothpick in hand. Before he could touch the lock, Connor threw the door open like a fuzzy-robed superhero and yelled, “You must be the toothpick fairy!” Josh panicked and ran. I chased him down the street, demanding answers. His excuse? He wanted to play the hero, swoop in, and win me back. “It sounds worse when you say it,” he told me. “It is worse,” Connor chimed in. The next morning, I posted the footage on TikTok with the caption: “My ex keeps jamming my lock with toothpicks. So I introduced him to my new man 😈 #toothpickgate.” The video blew up—over 2 million views in two days. Josh sent me a long email about how I ruined his reputation. I didn’t reply—but I did send the video to his boss, who also happens to be Amber’s father. Josh was “exploring new opportunities” by the weekend. A few days later, Danny helped me install a new lock. “You could’ve just called the cops,” he said. “And miss all this?” I replied. Later that night, Connor brought pizza and Coke to celebrate the “Great Toothpick Takedown.” We toasted with soda cans and laughed. Sometimes, the best revenge isn’t loud or cruel—it’s pink-robed, slightly petty, and just viral enough to remind you that you’re still in charge
I Kept Coming Home to a Toothpick in the Lock!
